I have a second wound that cuts so deep, which has left a black hole in my heart that I accept will never go away and I’m learning to live with it and thrive in spite, as well as, because of it. I’m a survivor of sexual, emotional and psychological abuse. I’m in recovery from Complex PTSD.

Three years ago I made the incredibly difficult and painful decision to go no contact with my entire family system and to do this with no hope of reconciliation. What has hurt the most is that I had to also extricate my daughter (an only child) from this family which I came to realise was like a cult. It was so mind shatteringly confusing to have all of the so-called large family and extended family love, devotion, commitment, family gatherings, holiday home by the beachside, parties, celebrations, money, special events, a helping hand – all mixed with denial, gaslighting, scapegoating, covert abuse and bullying, fakeness, favourites and a very ordered unspoken, hidden patriarchy. It was far too easy for them to say to themselves ‘she’s borderline, she has a personality disorder, she’s crazy and manipulative, and we’re perfect’.

There are rules to staying in that family, to being included inside the pale, to being kept in the flock. And if you break those rules, refuse to submit and speak out like my favourite archetype Lilith, you’re on your own, out in the cold, subject to all the elements, wild but at least free. That, I came to realise was a chance and a risk I was willing to take, for my own survival and for my daughter’s right to have a mum in her life.

It took me 20 years. It took me over 300 hours of individual and group therapy. It took me a lot of books, podcasts, seminars, workshops, youtube clips. It took me 5 breakdowns. It took me going no contact, going back for more and going no contact again, and again. I was continually trying to change myself, look within, change my attitude, change my mindset, be more compassionate, while they all did nothing.

I came to the final realisation that I needed to go no contact with the whole system and I needed to fully let go of any hope it would change when I released there was a part of my parents and family that wanted me to suicide, wanted the problem to go away. They expected my life would end in suicide and that’s what they projected onto me, that I was a write-off. It sounds too horrific to believe that it could be true but I write it in the hope that anyone going through this can know they’re not alone and they can get out and get free. That’s when I fought back, I knew I had the backing of the medical and legal system and that not one of those family members had any power over me. I knew it was less painful to cut ties and grieve than continue to subject myself to sick and toxic group think and family dynamics and that I didn’t deserve this and neither did my daughter deserve for her mum to be treated in such a way.

Another second wound was losing two best friends when I realised they didn’t ever actually really believe me about being abused. One even contacted my abusive family and sided with them. That wound cuts quite deep. I was so upset at myself that I could be so unconscious of who and why I allowed certain people into my life. I’m much more aware now and have more solid boundaries.

Everyone has their sides and perspectives in all this wounding but all I know is that two weeks after I went no contact, the depression, psychosis, dissociation, anxiety, suicidality and learned helpless that had engulfed me for years and years, mostly disappeared. How can that be? It’s quite amazing but it’s proof that distress comes from others from dynamics, it’s not all happening inside us, it’s not all a chemical imbalance in our brains. It’s a normal response from every cell in our bodies that we want safety, belonging, joy and human connection and we all deserve that.

I can honestly say that I’ve reached a place where I accept my life as it is. I accept my family as they are. I harbour no hatred or ill will, however, I also absolutely do not want any contact with them ever again. I have beautiful, genuine, authentic people in my life and in my work. I cherish and value these people, the gifts and skills I’ve been given and I’ll never take them for granted because I’m well aware of the contrasting opposite. My daughter is blossoming into a beautiful, cheeky, unique, kind, free-thinking, confident, sociable person excited about the future. She is proud of her mum who has modeled to her that we can get through anything in life – if we stay true to who we are and live an honourable life aligned with our personal values, a life that is ours and ours alone.