The Second Wound Blog

Dylan Farrow Waited a Long Time to Be Heard

[Originally published as a Huffington Post blog piece in April 2014.]

When the newest issue of New York Magazine arrived in my mailbox last week, it didn’t take long for me to flip to the back page and peruse the “Approval Matrix,” their weekly ranking of timely facts and intriguing news tidbits. I usually find it a fun read, but not this time. In the quadrant, which assigned this high-profile story the status of “despicable,” was a photograph of Woody Allen holding a young Dylan Farrow and the words: “The crosscurrents of accusations from the Farrow-Allen households.”

I did a double take to make sure I read this right, appalled that the magazine was equating Dylan’s stated memories of sexual abuse by her adopted father with his dismissals of her statements as “ludicrous,” as well as his characterization of Mia Farrow as a vengeful, spurned wife who planted Dylan’s memories and lied to the court — none of which seem to be supported by the official records, the timeline of events, nor the opinions of objective players in the case.

I am truly disappointed that New York Magazine chose to publicly slam Dylan Farrow for telling her story. There is no convincing reason to believe that she is lying; therefore, she deserves the benefit of the doubt. Looking carefully at the facts, including the reporting of the highly regarded and credible Maureen Orth in Vanity Fair, it is actually Woody Allen’s behavior that appears suspicious, if not sinister.

Meanwhile, Dylan Farrow has every right to speak up about the man who allegedly violated her trust and her body when she was a small child, as well as the personal hurt she feels when witnessing the hero worship of her father among his colleagues in Hollywood. This veneration of the man behind the work simply fails to factor in his dubious past, an all too common phenomenon in the entertainment world. Even if we reserve judgment on the sexual abuse allegations, let’s not overlook the fact that Woody Allen makes no apologies for his sexual relationship with a then 20-year-old Sun Yi Previn.

Marrying a woman 35 years his junior and barely out of adolescence is deserving of our collective raised eyebrows at the very least, as well as consideration of its relevance to his daughter’s claims.

This story gets a lot of attention, at least in part because it is about celebrities. But we must not lose sight of the fact that this subject matter is vitally important. Sexual abuse is a frighteningly pervasive and destructive problem. It impacts far too many people, and thrives in darkness and silence. Our children are vulnerable unless we are aware of this danger and become diligent about their protection (and sometimes, sadly, even then). Bringing incidents out in the open and naming perpetrators is the only way to prevent sexual abuse from proliferating unchecked. As responsible, caring citizens and guardians of our youth, we must err on the side of caution when making judgments about whom to trust. The emotional well-being of our culture depends on it.

As a social worker and someone who has been personally impacted by this issue, I know that coming forward is an essential aspect of the healing process. In order to achieve true mental health, survivors work to understand that the burden of shame, which infects the lives of victims and causes damaging effects, belongs solely to the perpetrators of abuse. Speaking up is an important step for survivors, but one that also creates vulnerability.

When survivors summon the courage to come forward and tell their stories, we owe it to them and ourselves to pay attention. Not every claim will be true and it is only right that we obtain the available information before making up our minds. But with so much to lose — including counter-accusations, widespread criticism and the hurtful non-reactions of others that Dylan describes (all of which are surprisingly common) — those who speak up deserve to be heard and respected. When survivors are doubted and attacked, the evil of sexual abuse is given quarter and its danger is increased.

Unfortunately, brave young women like Dylan make easy targets. She stands up against a man with a lifetime of professional accolades, wealth and fame. Having grown up watching Annie Hall, I know firsthand how Woody Allen’s movies hold a place in the heart and personal histories of so many, making him a darling in America and abroad. When we entertain the veracity of Dylan’s claims, it is difficult to accept the stain on the memories we have attached to the man and his movies.

But it’s nothing compared to the pain that I believe Dylan Farrow endured and bravely worked to heal from. I support not just Dylan, but all survivors who face the truth about sexual abuse and the insidious damage it inflicts on the psyche, who stand up to the twisted power inflicted by abusers and help shine a light on this issue.

Woody Allen’s behavior may truly be “despicable.” But Dylan Farrow deserves to be in New York Magazine‘s “brilliant” category for her courage, as well as the comfort and strength her words give to so many. I stand behind Dylan and I call on others to do the same, no matter how uncomfortable the subject matter. We can only make headway against the epidemic of sexual abuse when outspoken survivors are accorded the respect they deserve — and like Dylan Farrow, refuse to be silenced.

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No Room for Error – Keeping Kids Safe from Sexual Abuse

“They would never do that.”

These are dangerous words when spoken in response to concerns about potential sexual abusers. And yet, I regularly hear stories about people answering this way when confronted with someone who might pose a danger to children.

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Take A Side Against Sexual Abuse in the Family

Growing up in second wound families, I think many of us learned to take what we could get. We were taught not to ask for much. We didn’t dare complain due to the risk of being shamed and blamed. We were not allowed to have strong voices within our families. 

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Perfectionism is a familiar affliction for survivors. 

So many of us strive to achieve top grades and performance reviews, to dress just right for every occasion, and master the social skills that help us appear naturally confident. All the while, we’re scared to death of letting the mask slip to reveal our secret: the shame we carry as a byproduct of sexual abuse or assault. 

At its root, perfectionism is often an unconscious attempt to cover up shame. 

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The answer is easy. We would live in a world with fewer sexual crimes. And for those who still chose to perpetrate sexual violence, they would be caught far more quickly and easily.

Because victims would feel free to name offenders. 

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Statement on Sexual Assault Lawsuit Against My Brother, Adam Savage of Mythbusters

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As a child, this experience shook my sense of safety and crushed my self-confidence. For decades afterward, I dealt with periods of depression and near-constant anxiety. These symptoms interfered with all aspects of my life, stunting my career aspirations, and robbing me of countless simple pleasures. In my mid-twenties, I sought treatment for the abuse and so began a long, arduous process of working to address the emotional impact of my trauma.

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Fear, Loss, & the Grocery Store

The following is adapted from a bonus Truth & Consequences podcast episode recorded during the Covid-19 quarantine. I post it here because it addresses retraumatization and the resurfacing of past trauma and loss.  

If you have a few extra minutes this week, I’d like to share a story and some thoughts with you in the hopes that you’ll find it useful. It’s a story about going to the grocery store. Something that used to be an annoyingly frequent chore, at least to me, but has now become a whole different experience for a lot of us…of course, that’s IF you’re actually still venturing out to buy food in person.

Because our world has changed.

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Sexual Violence Is Only the ‘First Wound’

View the original post on The Mighty.

You might think, being a victim of sexual abuse or assault, it is the experience that affects survivors the most, causes the most damage in our lives and has the most lasting, destructive effects.

You might be wrong.

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Healing Begins with Connection (as seen in The Mighty)

There is no substitute for feeling heard, understood and cared for. These are the gifts of human connection, an integral component of where healing begins from the trauma of sexual abuse and assault. For survivors on the path to healing, it’s vital we connect with people who will sit with us in our pain and struggle, appreciate our value and share in celebrations of our progress and triumphs. These may be therapists or other professionals as well as partners and caring friends. As legitimately scary as it can be to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and risk trusting others, doing so (in our own time and with careful judgment) helps to repair our damaged hearts and fulfill our emotional needs.

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