child sexual abuse

7 Ways Friends & Family Revictimize Sexual Abuse Survivors

[A version of this article was published in PsychCentral in 2017. It has been edited, expanded, and reposted to the Second Wound Blog.]

Twenty-five years ago when I first disclosed that I had been sexually abused as a child, I could not have known it would mark the beginning of a long, confusing struggle that would leave me feeling dismissed, rejected, and punished for choosing to face my abuse and the ways it has impacted me.

The responses didn’t start this way. Initially, loved ones acknowledged my experiences and expressed sorrow for my pain. But as I continued to heal and explore the abuse further, some in my inner circle began to push back in ways that felt profoundly wounding. And it only got worse as time went on.

Disclosure of sexual abuse can be the beginning of a whole second set of problems for survivors when important people in our lives respond in ways that add new pain to old wounds. Healing from past abuse is made more difficult when one is emotionally injured again in the present, repeatedly, and with no guarantee that things will improve. Adding to this pain, invalidating responses often mirror aspects of the abuse itself, leading survivors to feel overpowered, silenced, blamed, and shamed. And they may carry this pain alone, unaware that their experience is tragically common.

Here are seven ways that friends, family members, and others revictimize survivors:

1. Denying or minimizing the abuse

Many survivors never receive an acknowledgment that they were abused. The very people they turn to for support may accuse them of lying, exaggerating, looking for attention, and having false memories. This negation of a survivor’s reality only adds insult to emotional injury as it reaffirms past experiences of being unheard, unprotected, and overpowered.

One might assume, therefore that recognition of the abuse would go a long way toward helping survivors move forward with important people in their lives. That is one potential outcome. However, acknowledgment does not necessarily mean that people in the survivor’s life understand, or are willing to recognize the impact of sexual abuse. Even when survivors are believed, they are often pressured not to bring up the abuse and criticized when they do. All too often, they are actively discouraged from holding perpetrators and enablers accountable for the pain they caused. 

2. Blaming and shaming the victim

Placing blame on the survivor, whether overt or subtle, is a disturbingly common response. People ask victims ignorant questions such as why they did not speak up sooner or why they didn’t fight back. Some outright accuse survivors of participating in their abuse. (This is a black-and-white issue in the case of minors who cannot legally consent to sexual activities.) 

Victim-blaming shifts the focus onto the survivor’s behavior instead of where it belongs, on the perpetrators and their crimes. Embedded in societal attitudes, victim-blaming can be used as a way to keep survivors quiet. Because sexual abuse victims tend to carry deeply embedded shame and self-blame, they are more easily wounded by these responses.

Instead of blame and shame, survivors need assurance that no one deserves to be abused. It takes courage to disclose abuse to friends and family. Survivors should be reminded that they are courageous for facing their traumatic experiences and choosing to actively heal from abuse.

3. Telling survivors to “move on” and “stop focusing on the past”

These messages are destructive and backward. Survivors need to be supported as they explore their trauma, examine its effects, and work through the emotional impact. Only by dealing with the abuse does the past begin to lose some of its power, allowing survivors to move forward. Pressuring them to “let it go” and “think positive” is another way that people in their lives try to avoid the harsh realities of abuse at the cost of a survivor’s emotional needs.

4. Shutting down their voices

Throughout my childhood and adolescence, I had a recurring dream in which I tried to make a phone call but couldn’t get a dial tone, connect the call, or croak out audible words. These dreams diminished once I began to consistently speak up for myself and felt heard by people in my life who supported my healing.

Sadly, those closest to survivors frequently reject or ignore their reports of abuse and dismiss their needs. Survivors are accused of treating the family or group badly when they continue to address abuse, express their hurt and anger, or assert boundaries in ways they never could as children. They are treated like troublemakers for disclosing sexual abuse while perpetrators are left alone and even embraced. These attitudes are unhealthy and wrong-headed. They leave survivors feeling understandably confused, hurt, angry, and alone.

5. Ostracizing & smearing survivors

Survivors may find themselves with a diminished role in their family or support system as a consequence of speaking up. They are disrespected and treated like lesser members of the group. They get left out of special events and social gatherings, even while abusers are included. 

Smear campaigns are a common way to discredit survivors by spreading false information about them. People in their lives may claim they are mentally ill, lying, exaggerating their experiences, or all of the above. Assertions like these protect the image of the group and the perpetrator at the expense of the victim. They serve to punish survivors for speaking the uncomfortable truth and effectively reduce their chances of being believed and supported.

These tactics are extremely hurtful and only add to a survivor’s lasting pain and trauma.

6. Refusing to “take sides”

Some people claim they don’t want to take sides between survivor and perpetrator. But staying neutral when one person has inflicted damage on another is choosing to be passive in the face of wrongdoing. Survivors need and deserve to be supported as they work to heal from abuse, hold abusers accountable, and try to protect themselves and others from further harm. People in their lives should be reminded that abusers committed wrongful acts against survivors, and therefore ‘neutrality’ is not an appropriate stance. 

In the words of Nobel Peace Price winner Elie Wiesel, “We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere.” 

7. Pressuring survivors to make up with the perpetrator

Far too often, survivors are expected to be friendly to the person who abused them. They are encouraged to act as if abuse is merely water under the bridge or a ‘mistake’ that needs to be forgiven. 

No one should ask a survivor to even be in the presence of a perpetrator, especially for the sake of brushing child sexual abuse under the rug. Pressuring survivors this way is a repeat of the abuse of power exerted upon them when they were violated. It is destructive and inexcusable and it ignores the dangers that abusers may pose to others. 

Reasons why

There are many reasons why individuals, families, and other institutions respond to sexual abuse survivors in harmful ways. Behind all of them lies a desire (conscious or not) to maintain denial about sexual abuse. Common reasons include concern about the family or organization looking bad, awe or fear of the perpetrator, unwillingness to give up rewards and/or status they get from the perpetrator, and the threat of being ostracized from the group if they stand with the survivor. Guilt for not recognizing the abuse at the time, or for failing to stop it, also contributes to denial. Some individuals have a history of being victimized themselves and they are not able, or willing to address it. Finally, some individuals who lash out at survivors are perpetrators themselves.

The desire to maintain power structures within families, groups, and society as a whole is another significant motivator that cannot be understated. 

Final Thoughts

Most people choose to look the other way in the face of child sexual abuse rather than listen to survivors and hold abusers accountable. As Dr. Judith Herman states in her groundbreaking book Trauma and Recovery, “It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering.”

We have a collective moral obligation to address the social justice problem that is sexual violence. We do this by listening to survivors without bias, recognizing their very real trauma, and taking steps to hold offenders accountable and prevent them from causing further harm. If more people and organizations took this approach, we would see a significant reduction in the rates of sexual crimes. Just as important, this type of support by the community could serve as a corrective emotional experience for individual survivors who have been isolated and shamed by the experience of sexual abuse and assault.  

Takeaways 

Faced with a backlash for speaking up about sexual crimes, survivors may be tempted to give in to pressure so they can put an end to these repercussions and avoid the risk of being rejected completely. And yet, they will continue to be affected by these unhealthy dynamics whether they fight against them or not. The way I see it, the pain of backlash from family and friends is rarely as high a cost as the sacrifice of a survivor’s truth.

I know firsthand how painful this “second wound” can be. Had I been better prepared for what lay ahead after my disclosure I might have been spared years of sadness, frustration, and struggle against unchanging group dynamics. Fortunately, I have learned never to compromise what I know to be true or what I deserve. And that is to be heard, believed, and respected, not only for what I’ve been through but also for the person I have worked so hard to become. 

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A Troubled History

Raising a teenager is hard. Being a teen is even harder. Many, if not most, kids at some point in their teenage years will struggle emotionally, act out unpleasantly, and experiment with risk-taking. Most of these behaviors are developmentally normal, part of the transition into independence and adulthood. Others are indications that the teen is struggling with deeper challenges and they need extra support. But parents often discover they are the last person their teenager wants to confide in or listen to for guidance or advice.  

Into this unsettling mix comes the ‘Troubled Teen’ industry offering hope and help to desperate, scared, and frustrated parents. Alarmingly, this vast network of residential facilities does NOT help families in need. Despite what they tell parents with their sophisticated sales pitches, they are not therapeutic. They’re not even safe. Using behavior modification and abusive practices, they break children down until they have no choice but to comply. They traumatize kids under the guise of saving them. 

These programs need to be stopped and the public needs to know the truth. You can help by getting the facts, warning your friends, and speaking up. Please read the words of guest bloggers Chelsea Maldonado and Amanda Simmons who are experts on the ‘Troubled Teen’ industry. I am immensely grateful to Chelsea and Amanda for sharing their story with me and Kathryn Robb on the Truth and Consequences podcast. They are survivors in every sense of the word. -Miranda 

A Troubled History

Chelsea Maldonado & Amanda Simmons

The Troubled Teen Industry (“TTI”) is a catch-all term loosely applied to privately-owned residential facilities for youth located throughout the United States and abroad. These programs have operated for over 50 years and include a broad range of institutions including therapeutic boarding schools, wilderness therapy programs, faith-based academies and residential treatment centers.

Because facilities within the Troubled Teen Industry do not operate as traditional schools, detention centers, group homes, or psychiatric hospitals, they are regulated through a patchwork of State laws and have few, if any, data-sharing obligations. While this makes the full scope of the industry difficult to quantify, the American Bar Association estimates that the TTI is a multi-billion dollar industry with the capacity to serve hundreds of thousands of youth annually.

The first TTI programs began operating in the 1960s, pulling many of their founding members and methods from the controversial anti-drug cult Synanon. These early programs purported to cure addiction and modify behaviors by housing children in highly restrictive environments and subjecting them to various forms of large-group awareness training, attack therapy, and experimental psychology.

By the early 1970s, the tactics used within Troubled Teen Programs began to garner the attention of the Federal Government. Testimony given to the Senate in 1974 described the methods used at one TTI program, The Seed, as extremely coercive and “similar to the highly refined brainwashing techniques employed by the North Koreans.” Though concerned by the potential harm these tactics could cause when applied to vulnerable children, the government did nothing to stop their proliferation. 

Many of Amanda’s experiences at John Dewey Academy in the 1990s mirror those used at The Seed. Like The Seed, John Dewey Academy was an early offshoot of Synanon and widely regarded as a thought leader. While attending John Dewey Academy, Amanda was subjected to highly confrontational attack groups that felt like psychological torture and spent weeks in isolation, both methods reported on extensively in the 1974 testimony given on The Seed.

In 1979, the Senate received detailed testimony on Provo Canyon School, a Troubled Teen Industry institution still in operation today. Investigators reported that Provo Canyon School was using militaristic orientation methods that would “scare any adult” and criticized its use of hired services to involuntarily transport youth to the facility in the middle of the night. Again, the government took no action to curb these practices. Decades later, entrepreneur and activist Paris Hilton testified that she was traumatized by Provo Canyon School’s use of involuntary transport and brutal treatment.

Just as John Dewey Academy modeled itself after Synanon and The Seed, other programs began to model themselves after Provo Canyon School. Tranquility Bay, the facility Chelsea attended in the early 2000s, was operated by former Provo Canyon School employees and utilized many of the same behavior modification tactics. While attending Tranquility Bay, Chelsea experienced attack therapy and large group awareness training. She witnessed the use of brutal restraints and isolation. The same tactics discussed in the 1970s were still occurring in the 2000s.  

In 2007, the Government Accountability Office released a damning report entitled  “Concerns Regarding Abuse and Death in Certain Programs for Troubled Youth,” which investigated thousands of claims of abuse and death in private residential facilities for youth. The report appropriately concluded that in many of the cases where youth had died, ineffective management played a significant role. The GAO released similar reports in 2008 and 2009. Despite these reports, the Stop Child Abuse in Residential Treatment Centers for Teens Act, legislation first introduced by Congressman George Miller and later championed by Representative Adam Schiff, failed to pass multiple times.

Chelsea and Amanda’s experiences in the Troubled Teen Industry are far from unique. Strip searches and sexual abuse are a regular occurrence, with some survivors, including Paris Hilton, reporting additional violations like forced pap smears and gynecological exams.

As we embark on another Senate investigation into the Troubled Teen Industry, we must ensure that we finally take action. We can start by adopting the practices recommended by the GAO in their 2022 report and continue by supporting the soon-to-be introduced Stop Institutional Child Abuse Act.

The government knows — and has known — about the abuse occurring in Troubled Teen Industry facilities. It is now time for action. Children continue to die and experience horrific abuse in TTI programs. Doing nothing is no longer an option.

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Making Change from Inside

My advanced copy of CHOSEN: A Memoir of Stolen Boyhood arrived on my front stoop on a recent Friday afternoon. By Sunday morning I had read all 318 pages. I’d also filled the back of the book with tightly-packed, handwritten notes in an effort to capture the thoughts and emotions that bubbled up as I read Stephen Mills’ poignant account of surviving sexual abuse as a young teenager.

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Dylan Farrow Waited a Long Time to Be Heard

[Originally published as a Huffington Post blog piece in April 2014.]

When the newest issue of New York Magazine arrived in my mailbox last week, it didn’t take long for me to flip to the back page and peruse the “Approval Matrix,” their weekly ranking of timely facts and intriguing news tidbits. I usually find it a fun read, but not this time. In the quadrant, which assigned this high-profile story the status of “despicable,” was a photograph of Woody Allen holding a young Dylan Farrow and the words: “The crosscurrents of accusations from the Farrow-Allen households.”

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A Perfect Shame

Perfectionism is a familiar affliction for survivors. 

So many of us strive to achieve top grades and performance reviews, to dress just right for every occasion, and master the social skills that help us appear naturally confident. All the while, we’re scared to death of letting the mask slip to reveal our secret: the shame we carry as a byproduct of sexual abuse or assault. 

At its root, perfectionism is often an unconscious attempt to cover up shame. 

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A Safe Way for Survivors to Stop Repeat Offenders

What if we lived in a world where victims of sexual assault, abuse, and harassment felt free to speak up? What if they were treated kindly, and almost always believed? What if perpetrators of these crimes were aggressively investigated and prosecuted on a consistent basis, their sentences reflecting the damage they inflict on survivors? What if we treated sexual violence survivors like victims of other crimes–especially those involving theft of money? 

The answer is easy. We would live in a world with fewer sexual crimes. And for those who still chose to perpetrate sexual violence, they would be caught far more quickly and easily.

Because victims would feel free to name offenders. 

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Dear Second Wound, I am a survivor of sexual abuse. Why wasn’t I believed?

Dear Survivors,

You 100% deserve to be believed.

Though it’s nearly impossible to gather accurate statistics on false reporting of sexual abuse, we do know that it’s rare. If we look at sexual assault reports made to law enforcement, research tells us that false reports make up about only 2 to 6 percent of cases. It’s probably safe to assume the number is at least this low in sexual abuse cases.

Let’s be realistic. Survivors have very little reason to lie. As one survivor pointed out, “A small child couldn’t make that stuff up”. So then…why are so many survivors doubted, questioned, and outright disbelieved? Even when we ARE believed, why is our trauma so often minimized, brushed under the rug as if it doesn’t matter to anyone but us?

There are many reasons that explain the heartbreak of disbelief and minimization. I’ve done my best to explain them here.

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Reasons Family Members Side with Sexual Abusers

[Originally published on PsychCentral on November 24, 2018.]

Living with the emotional effects of sexual abuse is painful enough. Unfortunately, many survivors open up about their abuse only to find that their family members’ reactions toward them are just as painful — if not more so — than the original trauma. It may shock some people to learn that family members often choose to side with sexual abuse perpetrators and against their victims, especially if the abuse was committed within the family.

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